23
Nov
2012
Darren vs. Top of the Pops
Darren vs. Top of the Pops
Darren
In the month since Darren took on the last of Billbaord's Top 10 Singles a whole lot of crappy music has been released, with some singles remaining the reigning champions of sucking. Here he once again goes full douchebag to save the world from radio friendly pop songs.


1. Maroon 5 - One More Night



Ah, glad to see this song is still at the #1 slot from last month. Well, not really "glad." You know, for such an allegedly popular song, I haven't really heard this one everywhere like some other entries on this list. I think Adam Levine is engaging in some sort of conspiracy to make us think he makes good music. You see the song is popular and before you can go "wait, it's not that great" Adam Levine swoops in and is all "OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING GREAT! I'M ADAM FUCKING LEVINE! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SHIRTLESS?" I think he does this to take away from the fact that this song sounds fairly half-assed. Like one of the other members of Maroon 5 (whoever the fuck they are, DO YOU EVEN CARE? AND BY "YOU," I MEAN LEVINE.) wanted to show Adam a beat and when he heard two notes of it he decided "that's good I'll write some lyrics on the can and we'll call it a day. Gotta do some lines off Cee Lo's tummy. Later." Speaking of half assed, if you watch the video to this song and you're not really paying attention, the juxtaposition of boxing practice and caring for a baby blurs and it looks like Adam is punching a baby.

2. Rihanna - Diamonds



First of all, the annoying VEVO ad on the side of this video on Youtube right now is Nicki Minaj so that's strikes one, two and three right there. I'm already in a terrible mood. You know, I don't actively dislike Rihanna - I kind of liked her part in the Kanye West song "All of the Lights." But in this song holy hell does the "shine bright like a diamond" part annoy me. It's like she's belting out these deep notes and then she says that one fucking line over and over and it's like aural toothpaste and orange juice. And holy hell is this video trying too hard. It's just a bunch of random cuts of I guess what are supposed to be "profound" scenes - like the director thought "I want to make this deep. The solution is horses." Now I feel like Rihanna trying too hard would go well with the half-assedness of Maroon 5 above.

3. Ke$ha - Die Young



How the fuck are you still alive Ke$ha? Wasn't your first song about how you brush your teeth with whiskey and then drink until you lose a kidney or something? Aren't all of your songs about this? Now I understand why she named the song "Die Young," even before listening to it. Man what a terrible song title, emphasizing dying young as a good thing. You know who wants people to die young? The Taliban. Now I'm not saying they've used this song to recruit suicide bombers, but I can't say that they haven't either. Now time to listen to the song. "Let's make the most of tonight like we're gonna die young." Oh Ke%ha (any symbol works in her name, right?), I'm sure no one has used that line to justify unimaginable acts of evil before. And you will want to commit such acts when SHE DOES HER FUCKING TRADEMARK SING TALKING ABOUT A MINUTE IN. WHY IS THIS STILL A THING? IT SOUNDS EXACTLY SAME IN EVERY SONG. And in case you think Ke#ha has gotten any classier, she throws in the line "young hunks, taking shots, stripping down to dirty socks." Ke&ha, you are gross. Whenever you sneeze, a baby halfway around the world catches herpes simplex two. This video is even grosser and it immediately started to burn when I pee afterward (should I get that checked out? Can LEVINE do it? Is it weird that I'm asking that?). Also, if you're going to watch the video at all, watch the last few seconds when the Mexican police appear to be opening fire on her. What the fuck, what she a member of Los Zetas Cartel or something? Did she decapitate a bunch of rival cartel members and knows she's going to "die young?" IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ENCOURAGING KE^HA?

4. fun. - Some Nights



I would like to start by saying I hate fun. so much that now I actually think I hate the fun that you're supposed to be having when you're enjoying yourself and feeling happy. This band has left a vapid hole in my ability to process any feelings of fun because they chose this name. Why couldn't they have named themselves "that hook shaped tool the dental hygienist uses" so that they wouldn't be ruining anything? Now since I've rapped on this song last time, I'll focus on what I really hate about it - the auto-tuned part that comes in at 4:14 in this video. It is literally the worst thing humans can hear. It's like they compiled the collective screams of every torture victim ever, only auto-tuned, which makes it worse. In fact, they could play the auto tuned version of the collective screams to the torture victims and come up with their next single. I don't know how auto tune works, but I imagine that they set it to the "awful screaming sound kids make when their parents drag them out of the toy store thoroughly dissatisfied and empty handed" setting that I bet all auto tune devices have.

5. PSY - Gangnam Style



Aww PSY, I can't stay mad at you.

6. Bruno Mars - Locked Out Of Heaven



I have to say that I don't actually mind the rhythm and instrumental part of this song, maybe because it sounds a lot like it's trying to sound like The Police. The lyrics are a little tacky though. Like "your sex takes me to paradise" and "you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long." That's a little over the top. How bad was your sex before this girl? Was she really that bad? Did she lie to you about where certain things go? I mean it's like Bruno Mars is on his knees and belting these lyrics into some lady's vagina in gratitude. Also the song starts to get less Police-sounding and more generic radio-friendly pop song at the end.

7. Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together



This song was on the list last time I ranted against the top of the pops list. In the month that passed, a lot of awful shit happened around the world. Now I wouldn't say that Taylor Swift was responsible for all of it, but can we really be sure? This song is about a cyclical relationship where she and her boyfriend break up and then make-up, only for her to declare her uncompromising stance that she won't give him another chance due to previous failures in the end. Is T. Swift encouraging uncompromising views in the Middle East peace process for the same reason? One can never be too sure, but I digress. Now I would like to focus on the lyric "and you will hide away and find your peace of mind with some indie record that's much cooler than mine?" ARE YOU SINGING THIS ABOUT ME TAYLOR? AM I THE BAD GUY HERE? I DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE INDIE RECORDS BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ON THEM, BUT HEY THAT'S JUST AN ADDED PERK. YOUR CDS HAVE MADE FANTASTIC COASTERS BY THE WAY. God I bet that Taylor thinks fun. up there is indie. She wouldn't know indie if it puked PBR on her. Well she might, but then she would write an album about the experience. Also, looking at this video, there is no way bear man at :45 has any concept of free will anymore.

8. Ne-Yo - Let Me Love You



Holy creepy song titles. I can only hope the rest of the album is named after posts he saw on the "casual encounters" section of craigslist. This song is like 90% of the songs I hear in bars nowadays. Basically some singer sharts out a 5 note synth line and then says the word "love you" over and over (Alex Clare, we're getting to you. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN AND WAIT YOUR TURN), throwing in a random drum loop made with what I can only assume is a $39.99 keyboard from Radio Shack and the word "baby" over and over. Seriously, if you just follow this formula you're guaranteed to make this shitty list, even if your songs are called "Love You Baby," "Baby Love You," and "Love Baby You." Ne-Yo tries to throw in a bit of depth my making the songs full title "Let Me Love You (Until You Learn to Love Yourself)." But does this mean that he doesn't love girls that love themselves and only goes after girls with low self-esteem? And once a girl gets self-esteem, does he abandon her and go after another sad girl? Or does he keep her in his clutches declaring "YOU WILL NEVER LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF." Tsk tsk Ne-Yo.

9. Alex Clare - Too Close



"LOL WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB OH SHIT MY COMPUTER CRASHED FROM ALL THE FREE TOOLBARS I DOWNLOADED ON INTERNET EXPLORER." - Alex Clare

10. Flo Rida - I Cry



I'm sorry Flo, but wasn't your last song about begging girls to blow you? And now you're sad? Are you sad that they're not whistling on your junk? And holy crap does this video do a 180 from his blowjob song. Now he's talking about helping Florida schoolchildren? It's like when a gangsta rapper makes a song about shooting a rival crew and then begins his award acceptance speech with "I would like to thank Jesus." The main issue with this song is that I think Flo Rida has trouble being sensitive and finds it easier to make dick songs. The first verses of this song reference the 2011 Japan Tsunami and the shootings by Anders Breivik in Norway and how much they sadden him, before he mentions the "quarter million on my necklace," a DUI charge, and various shout outs to other rappers. It's like he hired an unsuccessful sensitivity coach that said "Alright Mr. Rida, now we're going to make a song about world issues, so try to keep it serious. No boasts or shout-outs or mentions of criminal charges. Keep in on world suffering." Flo then began "Yo I'ma break it down about Syria, seein' the shit there"¦gold chains and platinum." The coach then resigned in exasperation, decided to stop being a sensitivity coach, and now runs a bar in Morocco where no one is ever allowed to play "I Cry."
Tags:
comments powered by Disqus