5
Nov
2011
Random Pop Culture Top 10 List
Best Jobs on Film
Jordan, Michael, Chris & Rachel
Random Pop Culture Top 10 List is a (fairly self-explanatory) biweekly list in which the Review to be named gang take stock of the realm of pop culture, and come up with their Top Ten in a specific category.

The economy is in the shitter, everyone knows that. But hey, unemployment went down by .1% last month, so that's something, right? As we all consider our dream jobs, whether we're unemployed or otherwise, here are the jobs we'd want if given the chance, based on our prodigious amounts of movie-watching. Yes, these jobs are probably nothing at all like what they appear as on the big screen. But we're pop-culture obsessed, idealistic American kids, so who cares?


10. Professor



Professors in movies get to wear a lot of tweed and often have cool glasses. Professors in movies are super smart and get to spend a lot of time reading and being inspiring and having very few real world concerns, sometimes while being adorably nerdy. They don't worry about being published or teaching intro-level classes to dumb freshmen or tenure boards. Mostly, they spend their time being awesome and badass. Don't believe us? See: practically every member of the Hogwarts staff in the Harry Potter movies. Sure, the source material crafts some pretty amazing characters, but in the film adaptations, the professors at Hogwarts are played by an amazing stable of Britain's finest actors (if everyone had teachers like Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman, the world would be a much better place). Simply writing Albus.Fucking.Dumbledore. probably would have been a completely acceptable answer to this question. But then there's also Professor Xavier from X-Men, as played by Patrick Stewart and James McAvoy. Oh, and Indiana Jones. No other explanation necessary.

9. Private Eye



What's not awesome about being a private detective? Even media that is ostensibly about deconstructing the myth of the P.I., like Terriers, still makes it seem like engaging work. In real life, investigators do things like serve summons and spy on cheating spouses, not unravel serious conspiracies. But even that requires subterfuge, research, and clandestine work, the stuff that makes up the basic work of any serious conspiracy thriller. Let's face it, if you're reading a Chandler novel, you've thought to yourself "I could see myself doing this." I've never wanted to be a cop, and I don't care for blood and gore, but scraping together funds for solving unsolvable murders, paying off witnesses and staying one step ahead of the cops? Yeah, that's pretty fucking cool.


8. Fashionista



Though this list is dominated by action-type occupations, one thing connects them all: glamour. The tweed of the professors, the fine tuxes of the spies, the capes of the superheros. So it makes sense for fashionistas to be included on their own merit. It's a pretty iconic Hollywood role, too. Think Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, pulled from obscurity in a Village book store (albeit somewhat begrudgingly) on the merit of her cheekbones, getting the chance to see Paris and wear some amazing clothes in a pretty spectacular way. It doesn't hurt that Hepburn looked amazing in everything, and had Givenchy making everything she wore by the time she made this movie. Also consider Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. The woman completely controls the world she lives in, gets millions in free stuff, and strikes fear in all around her because her taste is impeccable and she is just generally awesome. There's also the recreational fashonistas, meaning basically any character every played by Marilyn Monroe, who get to run around doing pretty cool things, all while looking fantastic. What about that isn't enviable? On a more serious note, however, fashion is one of the most practical ways to live a life focused on aesthetics and pure beauty aesthetics and pure beauty , and is more likely to come with a paycheck than being an artist is.


7. Thief



Everyone loves a good con man (except maybe those being taken). Smooth operators who know how to get the job done, your average movie thief is about a billion times smarter and more well connected than any of us will ever be. Take the guys in either version of Ocean's Eleven as an example. Whether you're smart, self-referential and self-satisfied like Clooney and Pitt or just a collection of some of the coolest guys who ever lived (THE RAT PACK), thievery can be a pretty sweet gig. If you've got a penchant for a more playful
work environment, try on a Dirty Rotten Scoundrels type gig, but for effortless cool, it's pretty hard to beat the guys who took down three Vegas Casinos.


6. The Chosen One



Your mom probably told you that you're a special little flower, but you aren't, not really. We're all just another person, destined to toil away in obscurity only to die and be completely forgotten. Unless, of course, you happen to be The Chosen One, prophesied to save the world, put an end to great evil, or just kick so much ass that everyone can agree that you ARE in fact, pretty special. Whether The Chosen One has Jesus-y super powers like Neo from The Matrix (Jesus could move in bullet-time, right?), a kick ass scar like Harry Potter, or broody eyes and hairy feet like Frodo in Lord of the Rings, it seems like a pretty sweet gig. You get to stop evil, fulfill ancient prophecies, you probably have some sort of super power, and, as a bonus point, your mom gets to be right: you are a unique little snowflake. Just the world saving kind.


5. The Devil



Being God might seem like a pretty sweet gig, but trust us, omniscience gets kind of annoying after a while. The way cooler job belongs to the big guy's opposite number, The Devil, who has almost all of the power and none of the responsibility. Whether a tragic, brooding figure like in Paradise Lost, a nihilistic ivory tickler like in The Sandman, a slick soul peddler always manipulating us towards evil, or just Elizabeth Hurley, The Devil gets a spot in any good End of Days story (which has to look pretty sweet on a resume), and before Revelations rolls around, he gets to rule over his own realm, that is, when he's not playing around with us mortals or engaged in existence's greatest battle of wills with the universe's most formidable opponent. For anyone with a competitive edge or a dark sense of humor (and the ability to devise some pretty awful torture for sinners), this may be the best job around.


4.Ghostbuster



Look, a lot of jobs on this list enable you to save the world, but few of them come with the ability to wise crack alongside comedy titans like Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd (pre-Crystal Skull Head Vodka days Dan Akroyd too!). As a Ghostbuster, you get to ride around in an awesome car with your hilarious pals, rid the greatest city on earth of disgusting vestiges of the dead with your sweet ray gun (but you probably shouldn't cross the beams unless things get super serious), and hang out in a fire station in your off hours. Yes the jump suits suck, and the packs may be unwieldy, but let's face it, the slightly unfashionable uniform is a small price to pay for the chance to regularly stick it to the New York City Mayor's Office. Last but not least, you can set your own rates, and NO ONE will argue with you! What other experts are around to influence the market value of ghost removal? No one!


3. Jedi



I feel the need to start this with a disclaimer. As a Jedi, you have to swear off love, sex, enjoying things too much, probably alcohol, laughing at crude jokes, and probably a billion other things. They are the equivalent of medieval monks, or Methodists. They are not a traditionally fun people. But, then again, they have laser swords. And can make weak-minded people believe whatever they say. And can move things with their mind. Think about that combination, and then think about how every problem you ever had would immediately disappear. No wonder they're restricted by all those rules, or they would rule us like psychic kings.


2. Spy



This is what your life is like if you are a movie spy: You get an array of sweet gadgets, a job that involves travel to the most glamorous places in the world, you get to bed a near infinite amount
of attractive people, you know how to order the perfect martini (which you can drink on the job!) and all of the people who shoot at you have terrible aim. Sure, everyone of the women you actually love will probably be killed by one of your enemies, but hey, when people ask why you hate them, you'll be able to honestly answer, "the bastard killed my wife." Then you can down your martini, make sure you look your best in that tux, and shoot a few people on your way to relaxing on a beach with the beautiful person you're about to bang. The spy game is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. And we wish that somebody was us.


1. Writer



The generally amazing portrayal of writers in movies is probably why we here at Review to Be Named would all love to get paid for our writing (in a dream world). I mean, it's not like we're any good at this, it's all the mystique. Writers on film live pretty amazing lives, even considering the general poverty and squalor they live in. But none of that matters, because they're deep and they're true and they feel things all the time. Also, being a writer opens you up to a slew of behind-the-scenes experiences you'd never see otherwise. Consider, for instance, the whirl-wind rock and roll life of William in Almost Famous, the well-dressed (and surprisingly well paid) existence of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City (yes, this is more of a thing in the show than the movies, but it gets in on a technicality), the kept life of Fred in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Writers in movies don't spend hours and hours sitting at a desk editing, aren't desperate for publishers or facing pressures from editors to sanitize their work. They're out late, gaining experiences to make their writing worth reading. It's almost like it's not even a real job (mostly, probably, because it isn't).



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