Darren vs. Top of the Pops
Darren vs. Top of the Pops
Ah, pop music. The top 40. These are the songs that you hear when you go out to bars, clubs, and the supermarket. You frequently hear these songs on the radio, and some radio stations only play the top of the pops. These are hit singles that go down as the legacies of their years, maybe even their decades, and frame the greater pop culture of the contemporary era.

And 99% of the time they suck. Fuck these songs. I hate the top 40. Is it because I'm a hipster and music snob that hates things that are mainstream. Well, yes, frankly. But also these songs suck. Like a lot. Like holy shit did they even try? How in the ever loving shit did people get these things on any chart? Anyway, here's my critical commentary on the Billboard Top 10 for the Week of October 13, 2012. Be warned, if you think that I've written like a douchebag before, that was just me being diplomatic.

1. Maroon 5 - "One More Night"

Holy shit these guys are still around? I
thought their smarmy looking tattooed singer left to judge other people, which is the last thing he should be doing. Alright, now for the song. Is that a reggae beat? Does it ever change? Is there a chorus? A bridge? What the shit? And oh god his voice. It sounds like a particularly sadistic ear, nose, and throat doctor told a patient to try his best at reggae for three minutes and forty-five seconds. Did he just say "got you stuck on my body like a tattoo?" Holy shit what a simile, he'd be better off saying "like glitter at a craft fair" or "like my balls in the summer." If a DJ ever plays this song, I can't wait to see the cream of the crop of awkward white people bobbing back and forth to it.

2. PSY - "Gangnam Style"

You know what? I can't say anything bad about PSY. Good on him for getting a South Korean novelty song to the second spot. I'm not sure such a foreign takeover has happened since the Macarena. My only criticism is that bars have about 1-2 months left of playing this song every night before drunk people doing the horse-riding dance gets more annoying than trendy.

3. fun. - "Some Nights"

Alright, I'll admit a bias with this song. I hated "We Are Young." I hated the thumping beat, the annoying pitch rise in the chorus, and the fact that this band spells their name with all lowercase letters and puts a full stop at the end of it. So let's hear this so-OH GOD IS THAT ACAPELLA PART AUTOTUNED? DEAR GOD WHY? Because if that's one thing the world needs, it's more autotune. For every song that uses autotune, a new drug cartel is born in Mexico. Good God. Also this song sounds way too war-marchy for a pop song. It's about as triumphant as a war march to your mom's minivan to go to McDonald's. But the mid part of the song isn't too ba-WHY DID THEY BRING BACK THE AUTO TUNE AT THE END? I will say though that I hate this song a degree less than "We Are Young."

4. Taylor Swift - "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

Alright, I'll admit a bias with this song. I hate Taylor Swift. So let's hear this so-OH GOD WHY IS SHE SING-TALKING? Every time I hear sing-talking I experience a new flavor of bile. Oh God these lyrics are like every 14-17 year old put into words. I feel like Taylor Swift cut and pasted them from Facebook statuses and away messages (are those still a thing? Fuck I'm old). She seems way too dramatic, and the poor dude. I bet she's really blowing stuff out of proportion. I bet the guy was all "hey I'm gonna go do useful shit" and Taylor Swift was all "BUT BABEZ TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE FOR 10 MORE HOURS" and when he refused because he wanted to be productive she was all "WE ARE SO DONE BOYFRIEND!" Advice to the dude in this song: run. For the hills.

5. P!nk - "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)"

You lose points immediately for making me use the shift key a second time to type your name, P!nk. You lose points again for trying to be edgy in the title. Anyway, P!nk sounds fed up in this song (for a change). She keeps saying she had a shit day and calls the subject of the song "full of shit." But then she says "blow me one last kiss" instead of "blow me, douchebag." I hate passive aggressive anger. I bet arguing with P!nk is an awful experience. She probably tries to hold it together and make logical points but then when she runs out she brings up how you clicked "maybe attending" instead of "attending" on her Facebook event.

6. Justin Bieber (Featuring Big Sean) - "As Long As You Love Me"

I was kind of hoping this kid's career would have been over as soon as he started getting peach fuzz on his upper lip. It was kind of cute when he made "Baby" and was a wee lad but now that he's 18 it's just getting creepy. Did he just say "we could be starving" and "we could be homeless?" Oh Justin, no. People are selling your hair on e-bay for more money than 75% of the US makes in an hour. Who is this Big Sean that's coming in and rapping? I hope he's doing this out of sympathy. I imagine that Justin Bieber asking a rapper "hey would you mind having a wicked mad awesome spot on this sick track I'm mixing? I'm tryin to be more hood yo" triggers a thought process akin to "hey Mr. Cage, we have a great new movie part for you."

7 . Taylor Swift - "Begin Again"

Oh God, this song is so much worse than "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." I didn't think it was possible either. It's like hearing that the doctors couldn't remove your ruptured appendix and then finding out they put a second ruptured appendix in there for shits and giggles. This song tries to be "deep" and "serious" instead of "cute" and it turns out to be abysmal pseudo-country. Sharting out a pedal steel guitar line for a few seconds and namedropping James Taylor doesn't make you country, Taylor. And the lyrics are all sappy and "bawww I wuv all these little things about you"¦YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY EX!" I wonder if this is the sequel or the prequel to them "Never Ever Getting Back Together," but again, that poor dude. This song is three minutes and fifty-eight seconds too long.

8. Flo Rida - "Whistle"

OH I GET IT THERE'S FUCKING WHISTLING IN THIS SONG! OH WAIT! HE'S ASKING HER TO BLOW HIM! HOW CLEVER! THIS IS ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS "CANDY SHOP!" Did he just say he's going to pull a Hamstring attempting sex? That's honestly the worst come on I've heard. No wonder why he's begging for some oral sex and apparently has to give the girl really explicit instructions as to how to do it. Though now that I think about it, these are awful instructions. Seriously, this sounds like he's saying "come on baby, it's just like whistling." Why not just "whistle on my dick?" Is that what really does it for your Flo Rida?

9. Alex Clare - "Too Close"

You may recognize this song as the shitty dubstep song on the Internet Explorer commercials. It sounds like Alex Clare heard people joking about dubstep and was inspired by hearing two seconds of the conversation. He thought "Oh I get it so it's just like "˜WUB WUB WUB?' That's crazy! Ha ha! Have you seen cats have bad grammar on the internet?" Then he made this song to see how far he could get. How far is that? Onto a commercial for Internet Explorer, folks. If that's not success, then I don't know what is. No, seriousy, what is success? Listening to these songs is making me question everything. I bet Alex Clare is somewhere right now saying "Oh man I love Internet Explorer! Free Smileys if I install this weather toolbar?! Heck to the yes!"

10 . Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen - "Good Time"

Holy shit what a combo. The wimpy guy that made "Fireflies" and the plague behind "Call Me Maybe." I bet one day Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and Kim Jong-Un got together and saw this musical collaboration and thought "holy shit that's a bad combo." And also, possibly, "Mission Accomplished." Well played, Axis. Well played. Why is Owl City's voice stuck in that weird intonation that sounds perpetually auto-tuned but not? I'd hate to take his order at a restaurant. And Carly Rae Jepsen shall be forever doomed into sounding like she's just going to shout "CALL ME MAYBE!" at any second when she sings. The lyrics of this song seem to just be "Whoaaa oh oh oh" and "It's always a good time." I like to imagine that they were written on a dingy public bus on the way to the recording studio because the Disney Channel contracted them to make a song and they realized "well shit, I just have "˜good time' written on a napkin" and then a record exec saw it and yelled "PERFECT!"
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